According to Michael Grothaus, a Stanford
design and engineering professor says making simple changes to the words and
phrases we use can empower us to achieve our goals. Hence, reporting
for this story took a different turn from the beginning; as usually Michael will reach out to experts get enthusiastic replies. Apparent that was not the
case when he emailed Professor Bernard Roth, academic director and co-founder of
Stanford University’s d.school. He replied Michael saying, he would “not help” him on a story he wanted to write about some excellent achievement habits he has refined and
taught for several decades, which he recently collected in a book called The Achievement Habit.
You'll think Roth was being rude or difficult. Apparently, he wasn't. He was making a point to illustrate one of
the principles he talks about in his book: how swapping simple words and
phrases we are used to saying multiple times a day can reprogram the way we
think about and view perceived obstacles that stand in the way of personal
success.
“I am prepared
to assist (NOT HELP) you in any way I can,” Roth wrote to Michael Grothaus.
Roth might seem
like an unlikely person to write a book about personal growth and the way
language choices affect it. After all, he’s not a psychologist, nor a linguist.
His background is in mechanical engineering and design. Yet after attending an
Esalen Institute retreat with other Stanford faculty in the mid-1960s, Roth
became fascinated with human potential movement therapies. He soon applied his
engineering and design principles to them to create his own content and formats
of the therapy that better fit classroom and professional training situations.
“Over the years
I kept slowly modifying the exercises and creating new versions based on what
worked best with my students and workshop participants,” Roth says. “The book
presents the material that has stood the test of time over several
generations.”
One of his most
prominent tips is word swapping. “Unfortunately, everyday speech is rife with
dis-empowering language,” Roth says. “Even more harmful is how we use reasons to
let ourselves maintain dysfunctional behaviors. The use of reasons to hide
excuses makes positive behavioral changes very unlikely.”
The good news,
Roth has found, is that by swapping simple words and phrases for others we can
quickly—and permanently—produce positive behavioral changes. “People see the
benefits immediately,” says Roth. “We do an exercise in class and almost
everybody glimpses how defective their habitual speech patterns are. Then they
use what they have learned for a week outside of class. Almost everybody comes
back with amazing stories of how much better their lives have become.”
Here are five of
the top words and phrases Roth recommends we swap out to get past the mental
hurdles our everyday vocabulary choices put in our way.
INSTEAD OF “BUT”
USE “AND”
“But” is
probably the most limiting word in our vocabulary, Roth says in his book. “We
often use ‘but’ in place of ‘and’,” writes Roth. “This substitution is so
common that it sounds correct. Unfortunately it often has the effect of
changing a neutral statement into a negative one.”
Roth gives the
example of someone who is afraid of flying and has just gotten an amazing
internship on the other side of the country. When deciding if they can take the
internship they’ll examine the situation by saying, “I want this internship,
but I’m afraid of flying.”
Roth says that
their phrasing doesn’t represent the reality of the situation. The person both
wants the internship and is also afraid of flying. The two aren’t connected.
However, by mentally phrasing the situation by connecting the two truths with a
“but,” the person is tricking themselves into believing that their amazing
opportunity is a in fact a negative situation. The resulting conflict blocks
them from moving forwards. That’s easy to change, however: Simply swap “but”
for “and”.
“The use of
‘but’ closes off the conversation space, while ‘and’ opens it up,” Roth writes.
“When you open up the dialogue with ‘and I’m afraid of flying,’ your brain gets
to consider how it can deal with both parts of the sentence. Maybe you’ll see a
therapist about it. Maybe you’ll practice meditation.” No matter what, you’ll
almost certainly find a way to take the internship.
INSTEAD OF
SAYING “HAVE TO” SAY “WANT TO”
The next phrase
to eliminate as much as possible on Roth’s list is “has/have to.” Like “but,”
it is a phrase that sets up conflict in our minds. “Has/have to” also makes us
believe that a situation has been forced upon us instead of willingly chosen by
us. This is almost always a fallacy.
Needing to
complete work is one of the most common situations in which we say we “have to”
do something. As an example, Roth writes about an engineering student who isn’t
happy he needs to take a certain math course to complete his degree. By saying
to himself that he “has to” take it, he sets the situation up as a burden in
his mind. It’s true that he may not enjoy that particular course, but Roth says
that by simply swapping out “has/have to” with “want to,” his mind will more
readily drop his dread of the course, which will make it seem like less of a
burden, and indeed, more of something to look forward to, because it brings him
one step closer to becoming what he wants to be: an engineer.
“This exercise
is very effective in getting people to realize that what they do in their
lives—even the things they find unpleasant—is in fact what they have chosen,”
Roth writes.
INSTEAD OF
“CAN’T” USE “WON’T”
Another no-no
word for Roth is “can’t.” He says that when we say we “can’t” do something that
is almost always not actually the case. An example of this is someone who says
they “can’t swim.” Phrasing their ability–or lack thereof–to swim with a
“can’t” enforces in their mind that it’s not possible for them.
This, of course,
isn’t true. Every human being can learn to swim. By simply swapping “can’t” for
“won’t,” the person realizes that their inability to currently swim is a choice
on their part, not a physical impossibility.
“The simple
change of ‘can’t’ to ‘won’t’ is often empowering,” Roth writes. “‘Can’t’
implies helplessness; ‘won’t’ signifies volition and choice.”
Instead Of
Saying “I’m Afraid To” Say “I’d Like To”
Another
self-limiting phrase is “I’m afraid to.” “I’m afraid to” is about the most
blocking phrase there is. It acknowledges the person’s fear instead of their
desire. By saying to yourself, “I’m afraid to ask for a raise,” you set your
mind up to consider what could go wrong if you do. Will the boss think I’m
greedy? If I’m denied it, will it mean I’m not as good an employee as I think I
am?
By simply
phrasing you want as “I’d like to ask for a raise,” you are acknowledging your
desire, and desire is usually associated with positive, pleasant thoughts. In
this case, it’s what you could do with the extra income—take a vacation; do
that kitchen renovation you’ve been wanting. Pleasant thoughts and the
possibility of pleasant outcomes usually compel us to take action, and we can’t
achieve our goals if we don’t take action.
Instead Of
“Help” Use “Assist”
When Roth
emailed me to tell me he wouldn’t help me with this article, and instead would
“assist” me, he was trying to empower me. The word “help” is often associated
with “helplessness” in our minds. Helplessness implies someone is incapable of
achieving something without someone else stepping in to do it for them.
In the case of
writing this article, Roth was right to tell me he would assist me. He realized
something that my mind did not, which is that I could almost certainly write
the article without his involvement. After all, I had access to his book and
techniques and could have summarized them in the article without his input. And
even with his involvement, the article couldn’t be written and filed with my
editor without me–I was still a necessary part of the equation.
The point is
that when we use the word “help,” we set our minds up to think we are helpless.
However, when we swap “help” with “assist,” we set ourselves up to see that we
are an important and capable part of the solution.
#DubemickyInspiringGreatnessDaily. I have no doubt you're having a superb day; good afternoon, and be good.
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